I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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