my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
