I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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