you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Drake has all the answers
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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