So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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