I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
