In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize