I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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