I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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