were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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