yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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