genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize