saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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