ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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