We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
