either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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