Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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