Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize