I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize