some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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