I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
