Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
