Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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