I think scott just propositioned me for sex
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
