After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
