My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You pole danced in your parka.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
