OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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