you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
