what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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