Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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