Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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