Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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