wrigley field is MILF paradise
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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