My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
