I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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