and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
