Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
