Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
there is glitter all over my balls
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