I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
