Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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