Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We left the knife in your bed.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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