I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
