I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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