where am i from again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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