I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
