Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
