def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize