Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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