Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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