we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
