There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize