in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
