Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
