i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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