I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
