Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
