you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize