i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
