I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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