He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
